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I have gotten calls from mother's whose children were also murdered and want to come to the group I am starting. I am glad that maybe I can help them and they me. I wish we didn't have this in common but I think it will be good. We can talk and laugh and cry about our children who have been taken from us. Justin and Victoria spent the night at Jacob's and went to Tyler's birthday party today. They enjoyed it and Jacob said that they will try to attend some of Justin's games. I"m glad. It is good for them to spend time with your side of the family. I can't sleep tonight. I think I've been crying almost all summer with Birthdays, the camp and now watching Granpa fading away. I don't want to lose my daddy too. I've been working with youth offenders and telling them your story in the hopes they will not take their violence to that extreme. I feel so compelled to try to help who I can and use your life as a way to make changes in the way people are so accepting of violence and how kids are playing those awful video games and watching murder all the time. This world can be so cruel. I need to keep reminding myself of the good people too because there are many. People I didn't even know have been so kind. I try to hang on to that. I hang on to you to. I talk to you all the time and ask you to watch over your kids, brother, sisters, Anthony Karl, Neices and nephews and the rest of the family and friends, everyone. Tall order huh? You've got your work cut out for you . Maybe instead I should just wish for you to rest in peace. Oh Keara, I so hope that you are in a beautiful peaceful place and that whatever pain you experienced in this life is gone. I wish I didn't so selfishly want you here but I do and I can't help it. I didn't have enough time with you. I feel so so bad and guilty that I couldn't keep this from happening. Isn't that what parents are supposed to do. I see you in my mind all the time . The images are burned in there. I remember exactly how you looked the first time I saw you with your blue eyes and black eyelashes. You lokked at me with trust and I feel likr I betrayed you. In other words I didn't do my job. I have a hard time trying to forgive myself. I am rambling here and crying so I'll go for now. I love you, Mama
I was the other day by the local paper about the National Day of Rememrberence for Homicid Victims which I plan to attend in Wash. DC. I want to start a group in this area for familie3s and friends of people who have been murdered. Who would have ever thought that thiss is something I would do. I grasp at straws. I want to honor you. I know you would want me to try to help and it is a way to help myself. I look for signs ov your prescence everywhere and in everything. Lately there seem to be so many butterflies that come around me. Frogs have been sitting on the glass various windows around here. Of course your great grandma who I hope is with you used yo call me a " gelle Chabe" which means a yellow frog when she got Mad at me. so maybe she sent them. These frogs are green though. I have3 had many dreams of you lately some happy, and some terrifying. Some about you with the man who murdered you. I am looking at the collage of pictures above my computer and there's a picture of you getting ready to kiss a lizard. Who would do that? You of course. You had so much love to give and you gave it freely to the man who murdered you. That makes me so incredibly sad. You were so beautiful and so innocent in many ways. I miss you Keara with all my heart and soul. My life has been so changed without you here. I was with Justin and Victoria and Justin asked me if you were popular when you were his age. I told him of course you were. People were always drawn to your inner and outer beauty. I wish it had been you he was asking that question. I wish I could just be grateful for the time you were here and I am but the pain of having you so cruelly taken is aleays with me. I hate it. I don't want to hurt so much, I son't want your brother and sisters to only have memories to hold on to, I don't want the memories to fade from your children's minds. This is not fair. I wish we could go back in time. I wish Cooper could have met his Aunt Keara. He is so cute!! Olivia only met you once. All your other neices and nephews loved Aunt Keara. How could they not? You were so much fun! I just hope I can help to be part of this not happening to others and to help others k\like myself who arE rying to live after the murder of their loved one. I feel that you are with me in this.
Today is your birthday. Its hard to believe you have been gone for almost 2 1/2 years. It still doesn't seem real. I still go back and remember the last time I saw you. May of 2005. Karrie and I had come out to visit and you came over to Mom's house. We had a good visit and then went out to eat. Little did I know it would be the last time I would get to see you. I didn't even take any pictures. At least I have video tape of when I came out to visit in 1995-96 that I can look at and remember. I sometimes still have not come to grip with the fact that you are gone. I guess that way it makes it easier to cope with. I still vividly remember cleaning out your apartment after that horrible day. Going through reminders of your life and realizing that you would never be there again. I'm glad I was able to do it though because for some reason it made me feel closer to you. I love you Keara and I know you are in a better place. Your brother,
Wayne
I never thought I would be mourning your loss on your birthday...your 33rd birthday at that. Maybe when when we were in our 70's, but not now. I remember all of your birthdays that we shared and it just makes me miss you more. I can't pick up the phone & call and wish you a happy birthday, or get in the car & come see you...thats it, your gone. I miss you so much. There are so many memories that only you and I shared, and we will never get to talk and laugh about those again. I'm trying to have some type of positive feelings on your b-day but it is hard. I don't want to think about how you died, because it just gets in the way of me missing you, but that is so hard to just put away. I wonder if it will ever go away and I will just be able to think of you. I hate that bas***d so much for taking you from us, I know it wasn't your time to go. Maybe it would be easier to accept if you died in an accident, or any way other than this. I know we would all miss you no matter how you died but having someone just take you from us like that is incomprehensible.
Justin & Tori remind me so much of you. Justin is starting to look just like you, he has your voice in a way, more manly but it still sounds like you. Tori has your personality all the way. I am so glad that we have them in our lives, that we still have a piece of you. I hope your spirit is still around somewhere too, so you can see how much you are loved. Sorry this sounds so negative! I really want to be happy about this day. I miss you & love you so much and wish beyond words that you were here to celebrate your 33rd, it is still so hard to believe that your not.
Today Your birthday is a very good day to cry. Somehow special from any other. Tomorrow I will smile at the sun but today I hurt as a mother. A part of my body was taken from me. The raw wound is so slow to heal. There is no lotion to ease the pain. I must endure it because it is real. The injury to my heart is traumatic. It will take time for the pain to cease if it ever can. The visions of you as a baby, a child a mother...I know not if my soul will know peace, I can try to patch it up but it won't be the same. Like fine china, I reach for the super glue. Such a fragile part of my anatomy is cracked. It holds together , but never like new.
Today you would have been 33. I am picking Justin and Victoria up from school and we will go to your grave. I will try to sing Happy Birthday through my tears. How can this be? You were supposed to be here with us. You were supposed to be here to see your children grow and they are growing!! I see you in both of them and I am grateful that they are here but I hate that they don't have you in their lives. You were robbed from them by a cruel inhuman man. I try to underrstand why this happened but there are no answers. I will never for4get you Keara. You will always live in me and in Lauren, Leigh Wayne, your children and our whole family. You will also live on in the hearts of the many people whose lives you touched. There were many and as I tell your story you will live in many more hearts. I love you more than words can express and I miss everything about you. Your beautiful, face, your giggle, your voice, your daily phone calls, everything. I feel robbed and my life will never be the same without you here. I want to believe that your spirit still exists and that you are celebrating your Birthday somewhere. I love you, Mama
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