Memories
Keara- I have thought about you so much. You know, I don't even know if I've written anything on your site before. I've thought of it so many times, been over so many memories. If I have written before, I know you'll forgive my repetition if I say the same things. I seem to think and feel in many circles when you are on my mind...which is daily. I used to write to your old email address, knowing it wouldn't be read, that I could say any and everything to you. I know you can feel my love and thoughts wherever you are, for you are mostly in each of our hearts, so close to knowing exactly what we feel. I know you would do anything to erase the pain of this. When I am remembering, I can almost hear you saying "Yeah, I know...but think of all the fun times we had too!" And I do. I think of how much you laughed, how silly you could be. I see you running, smiling, waving, sleeping, writing, hands on your hips... I hear you laughing, talking, suggesting some new crazy thing to try for fun, telling a joke, giving me advice... I remember babysitting kids with you, talking about love and dating, discussing family, updating each other on the times we were missing by being far apart... I remember sharing a room with you, sometimes even sharing a bed. Easter egg hunts at motels, weekend rides in the pick up truck, fireworks, theme parks, petting zoos, haircuts, tie dying t-shirts, inventing backyard carnivals and indoor haunted houses, bathing suits and water balloons, dogs and cats, recording music off the radio, dancing, singing in the car at night, swimming and rope swings, camping, traveling, visiting... Even the fights we had are precious memories now. Man, we were both so stubborn! And walking sticks- man those were a theme! The screen door at Tamewood was covered in them! And then the crazy-attacking walking stick that night in the truck!!! I can hear you laughing now- I miss that. I miss you. Terribly. All the horror of nearly 2 years ago now is still so present, but you'd be proud of me for climbing back from where I was. I just wanted to be with you, to be at peace. But I think about you everyday now with more positivity and resolve than desperation. I am trying to do you justice by living the fullest and most happy life I can. Your chance was stolen from you. In honor of you and this life that you loved, I am trying to make the most of the gift that it is. I only wish I could share that with you. Wish we could talk about our lives and the differences we seek to make in the lives of others. Though life can get very complicated and thick with trauma, there are beautiful truths scattered throughout it. One truth of which I am most proud is that you considered me your sister. I will always have you safely held in my heart. I love you Keara. I miss you. And I know that we will laugh and play again together. Until then, I will do all I can to make you smile by living a life of integrity, honesty, and love. A life worthy of being proud of. A life like you sought to live. Peace, grace, and pure joy be yours- I love you.
Your sister (thank you for the title and the blessing of knowing you loved me)
I have been so sad. The last holiday I saw you was on Valentine's day 2006. You brought me a chocolate rose covered in red foil and a card. You apologized for not being able to get me more and I just thought how sweet you were to do that. You also brought the kids so that made it even better. I have cried a lot lately. Feb 8th was the first anniversary of Grandma's death and Sat. the 16th is Uncle Tom's memorial service. I feel so overwhelmed with all the grief and sadness and loss. I still have so much trouble accepting that you are not here. I don't know how I will ever accept it and be at peace. I long to see you, hug and kiss you and tell you all the things that I don't think I told you enough. If only I could talk to you again. I talk to you all the time and you are always on my mind and in my heart but it feels like a poor substitute for your physical presence. I hope you know how on Valentines day and every day how much I love you. Tri made you a card that we will bring to your grave. She an Justin are missing you so much also and I feel so bad knowing what they have to deal with. They are going to Lauren's for spring break and two weeks in the sumer. I know that they are so excited about that. I am also going to take them to the bereavement camp again this summer. Leigh and Anthony will be back in the states by then and we hope to see them alos. Justin is getting so tall and is losing weight. He looks good. I love and miss you more than any words can ever express. I hope you will be spending Valentines day with your family and friends in heaven. I love you sweetie.
Your Mama
The memories of you keep flooding in and even though there were some really difficult times the good times far outweigh the difficult ones. There was nobody like you, and nobody can ever replace you. Uncle Tom died right before Christmas and it brought back so many memories of the Christmases we spent at Aunt Marie and Uncle Tom's house. This Christmas was so hard without either of you here. I hope you are together with Tom , Grandma, Great Grandma, Great Grandpa, Uncle Moe and many others that you knew in this life. I wish I knew how to find joy in my life again. I know you would want that for me but your death has taken such a big part of me that I have no idea how to fill the void that has been left. I think about what a beautiful child and young woman you were and how you had such a big heart. It hurts me so much to know how someone who said they loved you and who you loved could take your life. It makes me cry and cry when I think about how innocent and trusting you were. I think about your strong personality and how your presence was felt and loved by so many people. I still blame myself for not being able to protect you. After all you were my child and even though you were an adult I feel as if I failed you. Our family is not and never will be the same without you. I do think of the good times we had but I cry because I wanted there to be more. I feel as if our family and your children especially have been robbed. You loved them so much and they love you and miss you so much. I look at the pictures of you as a little girl and wish thatwe could go back to that time when we were all innocent and didn't realize how cruel this world can be. I hope someday I can have the memories without the tears. I love you so much Keara and I so hope that you know and knew that. I still have trouble believing that this has really happened. Sometimes I expect the phone to ring and for you to be on the other end. I still long for you to walk through my door again. There is nothing in my life that begins to compare to the pain of losing you. I love you so much and this is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I remember when Tori was a baby and we all went to a park in Greensboro. We have a lot of pictures from that day, but the one I remember the most was one of you cuddling Tori and kissing her. You loved that baby! Justin was busy on the slide with Uncle Karl and we took lots of pictures. Karl and I framed some of them and gave them to you for Mother's Day. Almost all of my memories of you are of you smiling and talking. You loved to talk! I love you so much and think about you all the time. I miss you more than I can even say.
Last weekend the kids and I went out to dinner with some bahai friends of mine whose daughter died ayear ago in Sept. They were so sweet and loving to the kids and they really enjoyed it. Then on Sat, we went to visit your pastor Steffon and his family. They are wonderful people and I could see why you loved going to that church. Steffon told me that he is sure you are in heaven and that I will see you again. I will be glad when that happens because it is so hard living without you. Every time I think I am doing better the tears come back and I realize that in a lot of ways I still am so shocked and horrified by your death. People tell me that you would want me to be happy and I know you would but I just haven't figured out how to do that. You were so much a part of my everyday life and you still are but it's not the same without being able to see you , touch you and hear your voice. I am trying to continue to introduce the kids to new and different experiences and broaden their minds to possibilities. I feel so bad for them though because I can't take your place and neither can anyone else. The love I feel for you is such a part of my deepest being and sometimes it seems impossible to go on without you. There are just no instructions on how to get through this. A lot of times ifeelas if I am living my life in a fog and I don't really feel alive. I somehow get through the days but so much of the joy is missing. You were such a joyful beautiful person and I miss you and everything about you. I had hoped this year would be a little easier but in a lot of ways it's harder because the reality that I won't see you again in this life just sinks in more and more. I keep searching for answers of why this had to happen and people tell me that everything happens for a reason but as hard as I try I can't find any reason that works for me. It just seems so wrong and unfair. I love you Keara.
Mom
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