I read these memories and think about how much we all miss you and I feel so guilty. I KNEW how dangerous the monster who killed you was and I SHOULD have done more. I believed I was saving your life by forcing you to leave my house to go into treatment and instead you met the man who killed you. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. If only I could turn back time and do something different. I miss hearing your voice every day and felt I had to talk to you every day just to know you were still OK and that monster killed you. I hope he lives with guilt every day but I honestly don't think he's capable of that with his total disregard for human life. I see you in Justin and Victoria and my heart breaks that you are not here for them. We try but nobody can replace you. Victoria is so much like you and so is Justinin many ways. It is not fair that they don't have their Mama anymore. I wish I knew what Justin thinks because he doesn't say and it worries me. Sometimes I am afraid I will forget the sound of your voice. I know for sure I will never forget you. You live in my heart and I feel you all the time. My mind is flooded with memories that are so clear but I want more. There should have been many more memories. Why did you have to die at 30 and in such a brutal way. You were so good Keara. Even in the midst of all your problems you you were so good, sweet and innocent. I remember evfen at 18 what a good mother you were and how much you loved your children. I hope they will never forget that. A lot of who they are comes from you. If only you were here with them and us. I miss and love you with every breath I take. It is almost Christmas and the third one without you. I will take the kid's to Aunt Marie' but I almost rather stay on the couch and cry. Hard to get into the Christmas spirit but I am trying. I love and miss you more than I can possibly convey in words. I wish Wayne, Lauren, and Leigh were closer so I could be with them for Christmas. I miss them too. I love you. Mama
Thanksgiving has come and gone. I remembered a Thanksgiving at Lauren's when you and I, Lauren and Leigh were peeling potatoes, and I cried. I was so thankful that Leigh and ANthony and Seannie and Olivia were here. Justin and Tori were here too. It does my heart good to see the kids together and how much they love each other, I miss you so much. I could feel you around us but I wanted you to be here. Sunday when everyone left I had a major breakdown and spent most of the day crying. This is a pain tat just doesn't end. I hope you could see us all together and how much your children are loved. Justin is turning into quite the athlete. You would be so proud of him and Victoria continues to be her sweet bubbly self. She reminds me so much of you. I wish you could be here with us. It is so hard to try to enjoy anything! I want to but everything is tinged with such sorrow.I see you in my mind all the time and I feel you in my heart. You were one of a kind Keara and nothing can replace you in my life. I will always love and miss you. Mama
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I know that you would want me to be thankful and I will really try. I just want what I can't have though and it hurts. I want you to be here. You SHOULD be here. I still can't wrap my my mind around what happened to you. It just is so wrong. I continue to hope I will be with you again but it just doesn't fill the void that has been left by your death. I would have done anything to prevent this from happening to you. You were so good and sweet and kind and you did not deserve this awful fate. I hope you will come to the John Edwards show on April 5th. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but I know I will be disappointed if you don't communicate with me. I am going to believe that you will. In the meantime I hope you will send more signs that you are still around. I love you Keara. Mama
Thanksgiving will be here in a few days and I want to be thankful for what and who are still in my life. Leigh, Anthony and kids are coming and I am so glad. It helps to be around my family and I know it's also good for Justin and Victoria. I hate the holidays though. They are just not the ame anymore and I feel your absence so much. It is hard to feel like celebrating. There are so many times that I've wished that I was religious and "knew" I would be with you again. I struggle with that and even when I do believe that it doesn't help much now. I feel so badly to see the kids growing up without you. They didn't have you in their lives long enough and as Tori has said many times you were so much fun to be with. Things have been so difficult here. Our family has been dealing with so much stress and loss and instead of it bringing us closer together it has been tearing us apart. It's so sad. Everyone is just so on edge. Grandpa isn't doing so well . He wants to go be with Grandma and I can understand that but it is still sad to see such a strong man become so weak. I hope that you were are with your family on this Thanks giving. I love you and there is not a day, minute or second that I don't carry you in my heart as I once carried you in my body.I love you.
Mama
The other day I was bringing the dogs home and a school bus stopped and a couple of young girls got off and I just sat in my car and cried thinking of you and Leigh getting off the bus when you were little girls. Tori asked me some hard questions about how you died the other day and we both ended up crying. She spent the night the night with me and she and Matt went with me to help with candy machines. We are going soon to see the nutcracker and go cart racing!! Well she will race not me. Justin may go too. He is so growing into a typical teenager. I feel the smae as Lauren. I feel so guilty because I knew that monster was so dangerous but nothing I did or said worked and as your mother it sucks to know I wasn't able to save you. I am so sorry. I wish every day that I had died instead of you. I try to be here for Justin and Tori but I can't be you. Nobody can and they are such good kids. I find myself wishing terrible things for Dee. I know you loved him but I hate him. He has caused so much damage to this family and took your life and yet he gets to live. It is so sick and unfair and it continues to horrify me. I feel so stuck in this grief. I love Lauren, Wayne and Leigh but we are misssing such a beautiful wonderful girl in our lives. I think we are all so angry and suffering such soul trauma that we have trouble trying to find any normalacy or at least I know I do. The tree I planted for you is growing. It is near your garden. I love you Keara and hope I see you again. Love, Mama
