Mama. That is the word you usually used to greet me and it was so endearing. You were such a kind caring person and I miss you so much. People have asked if I have closure since Dee is in prison but I don't . My heart will never be closed to you. There is a void filled with the pain of your abscence and it hurts so much. I don't understand why this happened. It is not right.Joy in life continues to allude me. I don't know if it will ever return.I want to be able to be grateful for the timeI had with you but instead I feel angry and resentful that your life was taken from you by the person who professed to love you.Sometimes I go a few days without crying and then everything comes flooding in and I can't stop crying, It was such a joy to give birth to you and to see your beautiful face, blue eyes, and long black eyelashes. You were so beautiful. You were greatly loved by all us and our family will never be the same and the fact that someone took your life from you and from us is so incomprhensible to me. How could anyone be so cruel and heartless . Knowing what was done to you has made me look at the world differently. It has made me look at the purpose in life so differently. I am not sure what it is anymore. It is so hard to live in this world now where I feel so isolated. Everyone goes about their lives and my life is now so different that I don't feel that I belong. I wish you were here to spend time with me , your children, siblings friends and neices and nephews. I wish you were here to see them growing up and I feel so bad that you cannot be here for Justin and Tori. They need their Mama. I will continue to try to help other people from suffering the fate that you did and hope that gives me some comfort. I am not sure that I will ever feel comfortable without you in my life.This is so wrong. I should have died before you. I love and miss you so much Keara.
mommy i really miss you and i hope you will be in my heart forever and ever everybody misses you mommy i wish you have never died i almost cry every day just thinking of you i hope you are porud of me you are such a pretty mommy jane misses you to i wish you were still here you were fun to play with to i love you mommy
Leigh, Anthony their kids were here for Mother's Day weekend, and so were Justin and Victoria. It made the day better for me to be with one of my children and some of my grandchildren It was also hard because you weren't here and if you had been alive you would have been. It is so hard to believe that this was the third Mother's day without you. I don't know how I can ever get used to this world without you in it. Nothing feels the same. I don't feel the same. I view everything differently now and don't feel like I fit anywhere. You used to talk about not feeling like you fit and I never could understand why you felt that way. Time seems to be passing so quickly and I have noticed lately that whole season's are going by without my hardly noticing. Your garden is really pretty right now. The roses are in full bloom and so are some of the other flowers. There should be something growing all season. I wish that I could become creative again. It seems that part of me died when you died. I wish I knew why this happened to you . Nothing makes sense. I wish you could talk to me. I talk to you all the time, but you don't respond. I would give anything to see your beautiful face again and to hear your voice. I miss you so much!! I love you so much!!
Shortly after you were born Wayne had show & tell at school. After much thought about what he wanted to bring he decided he wanted to bring you. Of course I couldn't let him to take you to school himself so I brought you. It was so cute. Wayne was so excited about his baby sister and all the kids wanted to touch and hold you. I cherish that memory. I am missing you so much. I love you Keara my beautiful angel.
Tonight I went to a banquet in Durham in honor of silent victims. They had a slide show and your picture was there. I cried along with the other parents and family members. So many lives lost to murder. Now it is 1 am and I can't sleep. I am once again flooded with memories of you. I remember a time when you were about 12 years old when you wanted to pick everyone up I guess to show how strong you were. It was so funny. People would come to visit and you would lift them up. What a character you were. I miss that character. I have cried so much tonight. I wonder if the tears will ever end. I wish I could see you. I see you in my mind all the time but sometimes I am so afraid the memories will fade. I don't want that. It is all I have except for the undying love that I know I will always feel for you. Sadness seems to be the thing that rules my life now. I would like to feel better, I just don't know how. Tonight I was feeling so much anger too. I con't understand howw anyone can be so cruel to take the life of someone they profess to love. What is wrong with this world? Where is God in this? I don't know what to think or believe. The world has turned upside down. Nothing feels the same anymore. I look at all of the pictures I have of you and I just want to kiss your beautiful face again. I want to take care of and protect you and I can't and couldn't. All I can ask is why? But the answer doesn't come. It is something I can't begin to understand. I wish you could talk to me now and give me the answers to the things I don't know. I love and miss you so much.
Love,
Mama
