Воспоминания
Today April 6th has been even harder than yesterday because it is the day two years ago that I became alarmed when I couldn't reach you by phone, called your job and found out that you hadn't shown up or called. I called the police and they went to your apt. Nobody answered the knocks on the door and your car was gone and they assumed you had gone somewhere. I spent the day calling everyone I could think of trying to locate you to no avail. Marie, Robin, and Lauren tried to reach you also but you never answered the phone. I was filled with dread. I "knew" the unimagineable had happened. I remember telling Myra that you were dead. I felt it and knew it in my heart. I finally was able to convince the police to go in your apartment, but they didn't call me back. I called Lauren and asked her to try to find out something I was exhausted, at my wits end and terrified. Then Lauren didn't call me back. I guess the police asked her to call someone so I wouldn't be alone when I got the news. Pat was the only one here when I got the worse call any mother could ever imagine. Shortly after that Jason , Robin, Scott and Leah were here. That whole day is seared into my heart and mind. The weeks after that are a blur. I just remember the horrible pain and that your brother and sister's were here. I felt like I checked out. I couldn't deal with it. I hardly remember your memorial service and don't remember people being here that told me they were.
I remember Lauren sobbing on the phone, Wayne totally shocked and Leigh crying , shocked and alone with the kids in Germany with Anthony in Iraq. I can't even begin to express how this has affected me , your whole family, the kids. I still can't wrap my mind around that the person you loved murdered you. I am still trying to learn to live without you and I know that I never will be the same. There is nothing and nobody that can replace you. I I know that I will grieve for the rest of my life. I am doing work that I hope will help prevent this happening to others and have been reaching out to other mothers whose children have been murdered as they have reached out to me. Since you are gone Keara I hope that your life will impact others. I know that it already has. There are so many people who love you and who you helped . I hope wherever you are you can feel all the love.
I hope you are with others wsho have gone before you and after you. I try to envision you with great grandma, uncle Moe. Rob, uncle Tom and otherss whose Mom's I have connected with. I hope you are happy and at peace. I hope with all my heart that I will be with you again. I expected to leave this life before you and it seems so wrong and unfair that you were taken in such a horrible way. It pains me to see your children growing up without you.It breaks my heart to know what they have gone through in their young lives. None of this seems right and so wrong and unfair. So far I don't feel anything that even resembles peace. I try to believe that someday I will find some. I think and hope you know how much I love you and when we didn't get along I was trying to keep you safe. I miss you so much. If only I could hug and kiss you again, talk to you. As Leigh so aptly put it, I want you back. I will try to believe that I will be with you again. That is the only thing that I can imagine would give me peace aside from knowing that you are somewhere where you do have peace. I love you honey. Mama
I woke up this morning and began to cry almost immediately. Two years ago at this time you were still alive and by the night you had been murdered. I feel so heartbroken. A piece of my heart was ripped out and It hurts so much still. I wanted to write some memories of your life today but right now I am feeling the trauma as if it just happened. I wish I could find some peace in this but there isn't any. I am with Justin and Tori now and I am glad that we are together but you should be here too. I still haven't learned how to live without you. I go through the motions but so much of the joy is gone. I want to feel better for your brother and sisters and my grandchildren and of course for me. I know you would want me to do that and I am trying. Sometimes it feels like this just happened and at other times it feels like yesterday. I wish I could turn back time to the last time I talked to you. It was the night you were murdered. There are so many "if only's" and should haves" in my mind. I know that I can't go back to that night and change what happened but I would give anything to be able to do that. As your mother I was supposed to protect you and the pain of knowing I couldn't is unbearable. I see you so much in Justin and Tori. I think the reality of your death has really begun to sink in. Now all I can do is to live my life in the best way I can and impart some of the knowledge to your children. I love you so much that I know you would want them to have. The love I have for you will never die and your bright light will continue to shine in my heart and soul. I love and miss you so much my beautiful girl. Many hugs and kisses to you. Love, Mama
Hey girl, Lauren was right this date is a date of dread. I am blown away at the fact it has been two whole years since you have been gone. It still feels so fresh on my mind. I wish you were here now to see how things have changed. I could really use your ears these days and you used to always make everything seem okay somehow?! I am still moving forward trying to make it to a better place. You should know that you are my inspiration for that. I wish you were still here...wow together working to the good in life we could have been invincible! Anyway...I am trying to stay strong here, so I will end by saying that I miss you and as always L/Y/L/A/S. I seem to be lacking in those these days to. Love Ya Jaime
April 5, 2008 - I hate this date now. It is just a huge reminder of when we lost you so suddenly, violently and without warning. I will always hate it. As I lay here in bed not wanting to get up and face this day, I look over at my son who carries your name smiling up at me with a huge grin and I know that life does go on. I just always thought it would go on with you in it. I still can't believe you are gone. It gets harder, not easier. The shock is gone, but the hole in my heart and soul where you used to live is huge. I am still filled with love for you, but it feels much different now that you are gone. I don't even know what to do with this day. I hardly even want to acknowledge it, but that is impossible. I will get through it the best I can and do the best to continue to live the best life I can because I know that is what you would want for me. I love you.
It is April 5th 2008...another year without you. In some ways it feels like all of this happened yesterday, in other ways an eternity. I miss you so much and this is such a hard day. I wish I could see you again, hear you laugh, hug you. I will be 30 later this month and I feel like I have so much life left to live. It is so unfair that you didn't get to finish yours, that it was stolen from you. This day just brings back so many horrible memories of your death. I find myself dreading it for weeks, what used to be an insignificant day on the calender is now a nightmare. Olivia picked up a picture of you the other day as I was packing it, and asked "Who's that" it was you, Aunt Keara. It makes me so sad that she will never get to know you. We always used to picture being old ladies, rocking on the porch. I remember talking about that on a swing in your backyard. We thought it was funny then, but now it just makes me terribly sad. I miss you, I want you back, and love you so much big sister.
love,
Leigh
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