I was having a hard time on Halloween thinking about you and how much you liked to dress up. You always went all out with your costumes, I went to my therapist and spent the whole hour crying. I talked to him about you and your playful nature and how you loved Halloween and how you also loved to play tricks on me. I told him about the time you were living here and put a very real looking rubber snake on my doorstep, When I went to go outside and saw it I nearly jumped out of my skin! You laughed and laughed. When I got home from therapy and walked towards the door there was a little snake draped across my windowsill with part of it's body hanging down by the door. I believe that it was more than a coincidence. Thank you for continuing to play tricks on me. I love that about you. I am glad your playful spirit is still around. I love you Keara. Mom
I just came back from Ca. visiting with Lauren and my new grandson and your new nephew Cooper. I sense some of your personality in him. He is so cute and cuddly. It was something that brought me joy but also sadness thinking how you are missing seeing this beautiful little boy and his beautiful Mom. Lauren is such a good Mommy as we all knew wshe would be and Karl is a proud papa and a worry wart! He is so funny. Being a Mom comes so naturally to Lauren just as it did with you. It brought me back to when you were a tiny baby and I cried. I think I will cry for the rest of my life. The reality of your death and the finality of it is hitting me hard. I keep hanging on to the hope that I will be with you again. That is the only thing that keeps me going. I now understand why people say this is the hardest year. For so long I was so shocked and traumatized that i couldn't believe this was real and now I unfortunately know it is. I hope you know and always knew how I loved you from the time You were growing inside of me and that love will always continue. I still hear your voice and see your beautiful face and it seems so impossible to deal with your death and the way you died. You didn't deserve that. I still agonize over the fact that I wasn't able to stop this from happening. I don't know if I ever will be able to be happy again. I do have moments of happiness but always underneath the joy is the pain and sadness. People tell me I need to move on with my life and I just don't know how to do that. I have had dreams of you but if only I could hug and kiss you again and hear your always cheerful voice. I love and miss you every second of every day. Mama
Kear, today Earl and Viola Schlabach came to visit. It ws so wonderful to see them and it felt like it was just yesterday since I last saw them. Those were much happier times. We picked the kids up from school and then went to the park They shared the memories they had of you with the kids and they were so loving towards them just like they always were with you and Wayne, Keara and Leigh. I felt like I had just seen them yesterday even though it had been more than 20 years ago. I wish I could go back to that peaceful time in our lives. They brought pictures of you and Leigh that were so beautiful You were so beautiful. Earl told the kids of all the fond memories of you and how you had such an exuberance for life and were never afraid to try anything new. They invited us to Arkansas to stay with them and I hope we can do that. They generate so much love and sanity and it would be wonderful for the kids to spend time with them. Wanda lives only about two hourss from here and we have also been invited there. They have 12 children and a farm and the kids are all honeschooled. I definitely want to take the kids there and they are excited about the possibility. I like Leigh have been struggling with the overwhelming sadness that I won't see you again in this lifetime. It seems to get harder rather than easier. There are so many things I would have done differently if I only knew what your fate would be. I struggle with all the should have, could have and if only"s but I know that weil not change anything. I so look foward to the day when we are together again. I am still with you with every breath i take. I miss you so much my beautiful girl. I have so many questions and no answers and it is so hard to accept this. I don't know how except to take it a day at a time and try to lead my life in a way you would be proud of and try to give the kids what you would be giving them if you were here. I know I can't replace you but I hope I can at least help them get through all of this. I belive you are watching and guiding me to do the right thing. I love you so much. Mama
Keara it is getting further and further away from the last time I saw you. It is making it all the more real that you won't be coming back. I miss you so much, and I hate the fact that we have to spend the rest of our lives without you. I still can't believe it sometimes that you aren't here anymore. It is shocking almost every time I think about it, which is often. I just keep thinking of all the things we will no longer do together. I know right now we would be talking about Cooper and how happy we were that Lauren and Karl had a baby! I hope that in some way you know that he is here, and you are smiling down on them. I love you big sister, and miss you terribly.
Yesterday was Victoria's birthday and we spent most of the day together. It brought back many memories and how happy you were to have your little girl. You would be so proud of her.. She is so sweet and caring and she looks so much like you. She has your personality too. She talked about how much she misses you and wished you were here for her birthday. I told her I believed you were even though she can't see you.She said she hoped you could see her from heaven and wished she could see you too. It was good for both of us to spend the day together. I love and miss you.
Mom
