Les Mémoires
I miss you more around the time of your birthday, I think because I looked forward to talking to you on the phone, and hearing the gratitude in your voice from such a simple thing as being wished a happy birthday. Not only would you share your thoughts and feelings about things going on in your own life, you would also express a sincere interest in how I was doing. Conversation was easy with you because of your friendly nature. You had difficulties to face, concerns and doubts, but you always seemed to maintain courage and hope. You never gave up. These are the characteristics I remember most about you as a grownup.
I spent my Birthday at the beach with Margo whose son David died 4 years ago. This was my second birthday without you. It was good to be at the beach. I looked for a sign from you and the clouds formed two figures and one looked llike it was waving. I hope that was you and Granma or you and David. The clouds stayed for awhile and then dissapated. Then in the same place a rainbow appeared. Yesterday Lauren had her baby Cooper Kearan Johnson. I wish you were here to share the joy of this new little person's appearance. I do believe your spirit is with him. His birth brought back memories of your birth and I cried because I had so many hopes and dreams for you and am so sad that your life was cut so short. I will see Cooper in Oct. and I will give him lots of hugs and kisses from you. I love you. Mama
My Birthday is quickly approaching and it will be the second one without you. This last month has been so hard. All my boy grandchildren had Birthdays and it was Grandma's Birthday too. Soon it will be yours and also Cooper will soon be born. It seems like just yesterday that you were here and the missing you doesn't subside. In some ways it is even harder. For awhile I just couldn't believe that you died and sometimes I still can't. Instead of missing you less I miss you more and more. I want you to come walking through my door. I talked to a woman today whose daughter is in an abusive marraige and she wanted to talk to me as a mother who could understand her pain and she wanted my advice on how to help her. I wish I had the answers but I don't and i feel so inadequate even though I know so much about domestic violence. I hope you can reach down and help impart some of the wisdom and understanding you now have. I am looking at all of the pictures of you above my head and all I can do is cry but at other times I smile when I look at them. What a beautiful, baby child, and woman you were and still are. I love you so much Keara.There are no words to describe how much or describe the pain of your absence.My friend Linda is coming for the weekend and she is going to help me go through your clothes so we can have teddy bears made for us and your children. I hope I can find the strength to do it.
Justin's 13th birtday broughy up so many memories of you. I remember the day hre was born and how happy we all were especially you. I remember all the wonderful Birthday parties you had for him. You were such a good loving Mom. It was sad for me to know he has become a teenager and you are not here to celebrate with him. Wayne came with Jordan and Kaylee and Karee and her kids and we wenrt to the beach with Justin and Tori. There were 6 kids three adults and too dogs. The cousins really bonded with each other and i cried thinking how much you would love seeing that. We played in the ocean and I know you would be right in there with us playing and searching for sharks teeth. The kids were excited about learning how to find them. Tori and Kaylee were in the back seat singing Bye Bye Miss American Pie. and I cried watching them. It reminded me of you and Leigh singing that song. I wish I could really enjoy these times but there is also just a pervasive sadness because you are not there physically with us. If only I could hug and kiss you again and see your beautiful face. I miss and love you so much and I know that will never change. I hope we will be together again. Love Mom
There is no one that could make me happy as aunt Keara could make me happy. If she was still here I would be very happy. But now that she is gone there is nothing that can make me happier then when she was here. And I love you very very much.
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